please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Is Oprah even human
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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