I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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