I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
