Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
