Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
