Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I think my vagina is haunted
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
