You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
