I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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