So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.�
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
