it's too hot outside to masturbate.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
