Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
