My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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