whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
