I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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