I murdered the dance floor call the cops
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
