90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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