The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
