It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
