Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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