So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
