my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
No more Irish car bombs ever.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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