I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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