every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
