It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
