I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
