i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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