Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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