what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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