we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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