Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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