I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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