I will die if light touches me.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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