dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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