Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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