Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
