The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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