If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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