someone threw a dead crab at me
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I could fuck to npr.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
