I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
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