i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
