don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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