Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
