i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
