I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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