she woke up with a sticky ear
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
