I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
