don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
