someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
