you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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