The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
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